November 20, 2005
Mood:  lyrical
Wow, its been a while and there's a lot that I have to update you on. Well, first of all, Wilma hit us really hard. It was being compared to Andrew. It was like a bad nightmare and I remember it like yesterday. It was a Monday of course and it started all around maybe 3 or 4 in the morning. Actually at that time it was raining and it was windy. I just couldn't sleep, so I stayed awake the whole night and it actually hit around 7 or 8 I think. I was so scared. It was really bad. I knew it was bad without even having to look outside or anything. I knew it was bad cuz it was something like I have never experienced before. Then, my dad came home and he said it was REAL bad outside so me, my mom, and Evan got ready and we left and we saw all the damage and it was like, straight out of a horror film. The trees were all over the street, you could barely drive. Signs had flown off businesses. Peoples car ports came off, roofs were damaged, cars were smashed. It was real crazy. Then at night we had no light but me and my dad stayed there and it wasn't that bad becuz we had the air but me and my dad fell asleep on his big bed and um...we woke up the next day and I went to my grandma's house and it was so boring because nobody had power. They said that power wouldn't be restored for everyone til like a month. That scared me half to death cuz I was thinking, what are we gonna do about gas? Money? And all those things. I was so terrified. It was a horrible experience. I thought the world was literally ending and I just kept thinking, Lord I am not ready. I was just praying to God that we would make it through. But the good Lord did come through. And things weren't as bad as I had anticipated. Uncle Joe had gotten a generator the next day and I spent the next few days at my uncle's house. We had everything there. We had food, TV, water. Everything I need to live, lol. We got power like on Saturday and things slowly but surely got back to normal and it wasn't easy. Every time I think of how dark it was and how scared I felt, I just...omg, I cant even describe the feeling. It was just absolutely horrifying. Now we have another "tropical storm" coming. Its called Gamma. They said its not gonna be another Hurricane Wilma so thats kinda good. But anyways, things started getting really hectic. People were breaking into the stores, people were in line fighting in the gas line, ppl had to wait hours and hours to get gas. I just thank God that its over. Anyways, we missed like 8 days of school. But it was kinda good cuz everybody had time to come together and bond. It was the time to have quality time with your family and your loved ones. But anyways, lately me and Karl have been going through some problems but we're still going strong. We broke up last week sometime on Tuesday I think it was, the 15th. We only broke up for a few minutes. He didn't actually say its over becuz he didn't wanna be the one to actually say it. I kept asking him, so do we go together? And he wouldn't answer me, he would just say, I dont wanna tell you cuz I dont wanna hurt you. So he tried to change the topic and I said, are you gonna tell me or not so I can just hang up the phone? (cuz it was like 3 in the morning) and he said, I'll tell you when I'm done telling you how my day was. I was barely even listening becuz I was so nervous and scared about what he was gonna say. After that, he said, I dont wanna tell you so I just gave up. So then, I said, if you dont wanna tell me the answer, then I know what the answer is already. So I just started crying, like I am now just thinking of it. And I hung up. Then he called me back ,and I was upset and I was like, why did you call me back. And he said, cuz I wanted to tell you that I love you and that just made me hurt even more. So I said, if you loved me, then why did you just break up with me? And he said, cuz I'm stupid. So I started to tell or see a difference in his voice and eventually I just hing up again. And then he called me back and he told me that he wasn't gonna be able to go to sleep knowing that he hurt me. And then, he started crying and I was like, why are you crying. He said, cuz I never thought I would hurt you, and then I said, neither did I, but I guess we were both wrong. But eventually, he was like, lets make a deal, lets just get back together and give it one more shot. I felt so happy. Cuz for the few mins that we were broken up, all I kept thinking about was, who is gonna take his place? That right there just broke my heart. And I realized how much I REALLY did love him. While we were "broken up" he asked me what he should do as far as looking for other girls and I said, I cant really say cuz you dont belong to me anymore and then he said, so? Your opinion still counts. So then, I said, no, I dont want to see you with anybody else but me. It was crazy but then again, it kinda opened our eyes. Cuz we got somewhat of a preview of how it is to be without eachother and Lord knows that I dont wanna feel that again. Even tho sometimes Karl gets me really upset sometimes, I dont know what I would do without him. I love that boy so much. Thats my heart. It made us stronger. I think so. I told him all I wanted him to do was to stop getting angry all the time and he said he was gonna try. Then I told him I was gonna try and talk to him when he calls me. The main reason we fought was cuz he called me while I was sleeping so I didn't really say anything and he got mad. He was like, all I could think of was calling you so we could talk and you cant even talk to me. And I felt bad. He was right tho. He didn't have to get so upset tho but I understand. Then I told him to stop accusing me of cheating, and he said, I know you would never cheat on you, I just be joking. So whatever. Things have gotten a LIL better. I guess. Thats still my baby. Our anniversary is the day after 2moro and I'm so excited. That makes 3 months. Yesterday he said we should take pictures but I ain't say anything about it. I really want to tho. But anyways, I forgot I was typing on here, I got distracted listening to Keyshia Cole and recording my machine and talking on the phone. So, Ima just got now so I can email my baby. Bye

October 23, 2005
Mood:  irritated
Hey, its been a while since I last wrote in here. Well, right now, I'm feeling a lil bit scared cuz hurricane Wilma is coming and we don't know exactly what to expect. The memories of the last hurricane are so vivid in my mind. Now, I begin to realize that material things don't matter, its your family and friends that matter. Anyways, me and Ammy are best friends again. I feel complete again. We've been friends for like a week and 2 days. It's right back to normal. Everybody would say it will never be the same or it'll take time but me and Ammy always go back to old times. We were both having dreams about being friends again, which is very strange. She was saying it was never supposed to end like that. I used to always pray that one day she would see Azayna for who she really is and eventually, everyone sees what kind of liar she is. Erica apologized 1st. Basically, everything is back to normal and I have my friends back again. Everybody is kinda being mean and rude towards Azayna. Azayna isn't really happy about us being friends again, and she thinks her and Ammy are best friends but she will know (sooner or later) that my place cant be taken just like that. Me and Ammy know the real meaning of friendship, other people don't. They think they could just know you for a year or 2 and they swear up and down they are the bestest friends forever. I think that if you grew up with someone or if yall went to like, middle school together, then yeah yall can be friends but friends that you meet in high-school, never last cuz you never get to see the real them and they talk too damn much. There will always be drama. The people you came into high school with are the people you should leave with. Me and Ammy have been friends since 2nd grade and we've been through too much to let that slip. Anyway, Lasheba is starting to get on my nerve cuz now she is acting jealous. She thinks that Ima choose her over Ammy. She don't understand that Ammy has and always will be my best friend. No one else compares to Ammy (that sounded kinda gay but I meant that in a friendly way) but I've been getting tired of her for the longest time cuz I swear, she got a problem with everything I do and that got me mad. She knows how to push my buttons, and I don't like when people do that. Her and Najee going thru issues but whatever, I'm done with that whole situation. Well, me and my baby made 2 beautiful months yesterday. Thats my husband right there. I love him so much. It feels like forever tho. I just hope and pray we will have many many more. I just want him to hold me close, and never let me go! Oh yeah, on Friday I went to his house and at school I had a headache but then it got worse when I got to his house. He was taking such good care of me. My boyfriend is the best. How many girls can say that their boyfriend takes care of them when they feel bad. He did everything I asked him, he hugged me, kissed me, he was being the sweetest. I started crying and he was being so comforting. I layed in his bed and he would come in every once in a while to check on me and kiss me and try everything he could to make me feel good again. I wish I would have met him a long time ago, cuz he is everything I want. He's not perfect, but I love him for all his imperfections. I love him the same way. He did me a favor, which I wont say cuz someone might get a hold of this. But, anyways, I keep getting distracted, and plus I'm cookin so ill ttyl

October 19, 2005
Mood:  flirty
Hey, it's been a while since I lost wrote in here. Alot of things have changed. Well, I aint talkin to Alicia no more cuz she is just a liar. She keep on lyin to me and I aint got time for her. She keep lyin to her boyfriend and her boyfriend love her so I dont know why she keep trippin so bad. Her boyfriend dont deserve that, but whatever, eventually her boyfriend will find out about all these other niggas she be talkin to cuz she loose man. Anyways, me and Ammy are best friends again! We've been friends ever since last week Thursday, October 13, and we started talkin and catchin up on Friday the 14th. We are so cool now, we had alot of catching up to do. Its just like old times, we always pick up where we left off. I love that girl so much. Lol, I know that sounded gay, but I DIDNT MEAN IT LYK THAT, I meant like in a sister type of way. We were both dreaming of being friends again, how strange. Ammy said it was probably never meant to end like that. Its all good tho. Anyways, Im really gettin tired of Lasheba. I dont know why, she is just hating cuz me and Ammy are best friends again. I dont like haters. I just dont care about our friendship anymore, its just like whatever. If she talks to me, I'll talk to her but if she dont wanna talk to me, its ok too. Its just that I dont be caring about what she says. Karl helped me realize alot of things last nite. I am worried tho that we mite break up or take a break cuz I dont want it to end up being permanent. I dont want him 2 mess us up, thats my baby rite there, a/w ima finish this later cuz im talkin to my big bro and my big siser, so g2g

October 11, 2005
Mood:  down
Hey, Im not doing so well emotionally. Im just stressed. I was just thinking of the conversation me and Karl had last night about "taking a break" and I swear, I would do anything for that not to happen. I love him so much, I really do. Event tho he's not perfect, I still love him. Sometimes Karl gets really upset over things. His behavior scares me and his temper is getting in the way of us having a CLOSE relationship, like where to the point that I'm scared to tell him anything cuz I dont wanna say something wrong and lose the love of my life. I love him so much and I dont know what I would do if something I did was the reason we break up, I wouldnt even want to be alive. I need him in my life, and I love him. I dont wanna lose him. At the same time, I want us to have an open, close, intimate (w/e u wanna say) relationship. I wanna be with him, he is the love of my life, he is the only one I want to be with! He is my best friend. Anyways, ima go

October 8, 2005
Mood:  not sure
Hey again...Nobody has seen this website thingy yet but anyways, yesterday, I went to my baby's house. I had alot of fun. We were home alone for a while, well not really, his brother was there but he left us alone in the room. We were just layin down, kissing and doing things we normally do. He was lookin me in the eyes tellin me he loves me, it was the sweetest thing ever. My hair got messed up so I took the bun out and he's like, you are so beautiful. He told me that like 3 or 4 times yesterday, which was so sweet. Something inside told me he was serious. I love him so much. He makes me happy, and I wouldnt rather be with anyone else in the planet! I wanna be with him for as long as possible. Its kinda bittersweet cuz once we graduate, I dont know if we'll still be together. I hope so tho. That would break my heart if he went somewhere far and I couldnt go. I know whats meant to be will be, but I just cant imagine my life without him right now. Anyways, Im just gonna not worry about it too much right now cuz we got time-- sorta. So, as I was saying, he gave me a rose too, it was yellow and I forgot to make a note that Karl told me he would buy me roses on Friday, October 7, after I came from his house when I told him no one ever gave me roses. I love red and white roses, they're just so cute. I told him I wanted some for Valentine's day but I think it would be sweeter if someone just gave you roses for no apparent reason. That is the best thing he could do, besides give me a promise ring, lol. And I know that aint gon' happen for a good while so Im not gonna hold my breath. Anyways, that would be so sweet of him. I doubt he'll do that either but a/w. Later on, when everybody came home, we wanted to kiss again cuz I was tempting him by doing something and then we went to the bathroom and we were kissing and STUFF. I have never gone this far with any boy in my life. He is the only guy that can make my body shiver. He makes my body feel good. Yesterday, it was his mission to make me happy. He was kissin me on my stomach, and he offered to go further and I asked him why would he wanna do that, and he's like, cuz I just wanna make you happy today. That was so damn sweet. He be tempting me man, he knows what he be doing man. But I dont take it too far cuz I know I cant go too far cuz I know the consequences. I just wanna make him happy. Even though he makes me REAL mad, he makes me even MORE HAPPY! I love him so much, I really do. I was playin with his little sister alot too. When the boys were playin football, I was on the trampoline with her, and I was reading to her while Karl was playing Madden with Ant. Ant's lil brother got a crush on me supposedly, he was tellin Karl he got a good girl and if he had a girl like me, he wouldnt need anyone els. Its funny cuz I got a couple of friends that tell me Im a good friend, lol. Then when I was leaving, he hugged me and Karl was like, Ant, Ima have to beat ur brother down. LOL. And then when I came home, Karl was like, and you let him do it too. So I asked him if he felt threatened by that lil kid cuz he was saying he was gon have a lil girl hug him or kiss him and he said no he didnt feel threatened, lol. I had some crazy fun with those boys, especially at dinner. They are really cool and really funny. I was also playing with his lil sisters hair, she got some good hair, I love it. Its so soft and silky but the annoying part is that since its so soft, it cant stay still. Karl kept messin up her hair and I told him he cant do my daughters hair in the future, lol. Aww man, yesterday was fun. I wish I could have stayed forever, lol. JK. I wanna give a shot out to my big brother Cloey, I love that boy so much. I think we're better off being friends cuz we have such a great friendship. He's definitely my male best friend, well, after Karl cuz I talk to Karl way more but Cloenso has been with me thru it all, since 9th grade, we've been tight. Even tho we fight, and talk about how much we hate eachother, we really dont mean it. I got his back cuz I know he got mines 4 SHO!!!! When BJ broke my heart, he offered to whoop his ass and do some damage. He's a good advice giver too! Cloey, I love you boy--Even tho I cant stand your girl, lol! Anyways, I gotta go give my brother some medicine so Ima bounce, gotta go! Bye! TTYL!

October 6, 2005
Mood:  irritated
Well well well! Today was a very interesting day! We went to 1st period for only a lil bit of time, and also 3rd and 5th period. Then we went to lunch...yeah I gotta tell you about that shit. It was the end of lunch, the bell had just rang, and Karl opened his wallet, as a matter of fact, I just remembered, I was the one who went in his pocket to look at his wallet and then when I gave it back to him, he said: "look". And I looked, and I saw Nicole's picture. In my mind I'm like wat the fuck is goin on! So I told him to let me see it. And he just kept saying no cuz Ima rip it. I wasnt even thinking abot that but he gave me the idea. Then I told him to either let me see it or its over. So, he gave it to me. Then while he was taking it out, I saw she wrote on the back, so he gave it to me. Then me and Ericka were reading it, and she was bein all friendly, like she was best friends with his family! Fuck that shit man! I dont give a damn. She needs to get over it. She's like, I hope you remember all the good things, not the bad, and I still care about you, nigga, I know how it is. She need to stay ha ass up in New York, she betta not come here with that shit. How she just figure she can send MY MAN a picture? I dont even want him to remember that she even exists. I dont want him to have memories, cuz she's in the past, and if she's in the past, it's for a reason. She need to stay her ass rigght there! And out of ALL places to have it, he had it somewhere close, IN HIS WALLET. O hell nah, he dont even got my fuckin pictures in his wallet, he got that shit with the rest of his garbage. Next time I see my pictures in there, Im taking them cuz he obviously doesnt care for them. I'll give it to someone else, I got a lot of friends who want em. Anyway, so I put the picture in my folder without him looking and he got mad cuz he thought I threw it away, so I got mad cuz he was mad. Why should he care? So he was acting mad & shit but w/e. So then, he's like, would you like it if some female ripped up your pictures if we break up-God forbid. I just said I dont care what you do with them. I could understand where the female coming from, but he could just give it back. But a/w, then, I went up to Meredith and Sandy and I told them what happened and they went crazy just like any other way. I dont think I was wrong at all. The girls felt me when I told them it was wrong for him to have some ex's pic on there. And then Lasheba took it from me and she told me that she was gonna give it to him, and why am I trying to rip it cuz he needs memories and thats part of his past, and all this, so I said: if you dont give it to me, I promise on my life, I'll never talk to you again and then I told her to think how she would feel if Najee did the same, so then she said, RIP IT! RIP IT! So I did. I dont care! I really dont. I have no sympathy. It shouldnt have been there, I thought I made that clear. He can get mad and everything but I wasnt the one in the wrong. Im supposed to be the bigger person but uh uh not this time. Im sorry, I love him with all of my heart, I'll do anything for him, but I dont care. They're over, so this lil game has to be over. If he wants this to work, he has to be considerate of my feelings and emotions. Im tired of her. She keep standing in my way! Im trying to be better than her! Anyways, enuff of that........GIRL, ima go take a shower and ttyl, bye